I love Cambridge. In fact, I love being a PhD candidate at Cambridge, simply because of its amazing opportunities for self – development. Since I have started my course in October, I attended numerous researcher development programs, women’s development programs, professional development, etc. Apart from providing some useful tips on doing a creative research, maximizing PhD experience, and building resilience, training programs are an excellent place for networking. As more programs I attend, the more familiar faces I can recognize. That’s how I build relationships and create new networks. That is a real blast in a PhD journey, which can often be, by default, lonely and daunting.
This week I attended a marvellous training program, The Art of Negotiation and Influence, and would like to share some stunning tips I learnt. These could be applicable in almost all the contexts. Workshop leader was Richard Mullender, an ex former Lead Trainer at the National Crisis & Hostage Negotiation Unit at Scotland Yard. Yes – it sounds pretty awesome. Mysterious and dangerous. Having negotiating with suicidal individuals on the bridges, Al Quaida, and having worked with some world governments and Secret services, Richard is definitely the successful communicator worth listening.
I will share with you some of the thoughts that surprised me:
1. You never need to be bored at meetings!
If you are chairing a meeting, summarize the main points every five minutes and you will be in charge of the meeting. In that way, you will also silent annoying people who just like talking too much…
2. Be careful with the empathy
Although you can try to understand other people, their behavior or situations, it is far from the actual understanding. Why? Because we are who we are based on our background, circumstances and worldviews, which is very different for each person. Even putting ourselves into others’ shoes means that we will look at their problems from our perspective, and the solution that might work for us doesn’t need to work for others, as they’re likely driven by different set of values and beliefs.
3. Active listening is the most important part in communicating and negotiating
That means listening to others without asking questions, or asking as few questions as possible. For example, open questions like ‘tell me all about…’, ‘why is that?’, ‘yes, and?’ are the best to use. Also, active listening allows us to focus on particular words that others are using, which we could use to manipulate the conversation in our style, asking questions relating to words they used and we want to find more about.
4. Listen to the person and sell your ideas based on his/her believes. Especially in job application, write your CV based on their values and beliefs, and let them know how will you make money for them. Negotiating means understanding their objectives and providing solutions based on their beliefs.
5. When you ask questions – you change the agenda of a conversation. Therefore, better listen and allow the person to tell you what they want. After a while, they will reveal secrets and you can use that to manipulate.
6. Always rehearse! Practice your job interview with someone in the first person! Prepare what you need to say.
7. There is no difference between influence and manipulation
8. Body language theory is rubbish.
Although there are so many books based on this theory, in principle, it doesn’t work – you can’t know what other people wants if they didn’t say it. You can easily see how someone is feeling based on his/her ‘big’ body language (for example, furiously talking and gesticulating), but you can’t analyse small body language
9. We are selling ourselves all the time and we are different versions of ourselves depending whom are we talking with. For example, you probably won’t have the same communication or topic choice with your friends, supervisor, business partner, spouse, or children. As Shakespeare put it in Richard III – “And frame my face for all occasions.”
Also, we received some interesting reading list so I will share some books worth reading:
Share some inspiring workshops that you are attending!